What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 04:00
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do a lot of autistic people not know how to style their hair?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it wasn’t much.
What is the best way to get revenge on people who hurt you?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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And i lived it daily.
It was going to be , some day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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When she asked me how she looked .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Who then, do I blame.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He knew the spot.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So whats the point in blame.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What did i know ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was scared of men, in general
Comes on , in middle age.
I have no regrets .
My family never makes their pension either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Would this be the day?
We were not on the streets..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I will be 64.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So, i spoilt her more .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I waited trembling.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)